I Am So Very Thankful

The lull is back a bit - I'm still working on finding a new plastic surgeon, but with the plentiful and quick recommendations I received - all for "the best" surgeons, of course - I am confident that I will find a good fit to replace Dr. J and will soon feel like I actually have someone who is a part of my healing team, a partner in my care.

I have appointments with new plastic surgeons throughout the day on Wednesday and then I start chemotherapy on Thursday morning. So the long Labor Day weekend is now forcing a bit of a lull on me, and this time I am happy to just sit back and enjoy it.

I got to spend yesterday with my sweet baby boy. I can't believe he will be five years old in just a few months. His little brain is so amazing and creative. He's incredible with Legos. He got rewarded with a new set of Star Wars Legos yesterday and as he was putting them together, he announced, "I don't even have to use the instructions. I can use my brain as the instructions!" And he did. The starfighter looks awesome.

Greta wanted to go to the children's museum with Dave, but Fin wanted to stay home and play with me, so we got a much needed and overdue mommy/Finny day. It was perfect.

We played Lego Star Wars for a good part of the day, he curled up in my lap and asked for scary monster stories and we turned the bed into his house when he wanted to play kitty cat. He told me I was his owner, built himself a bed and house out of pillows and a laundry basket, made a tail out of a long necklace, hung a sign on the "house" with his name on it and drank milk from a bowl on the floor. He did this for over an hour.

And while I was having the great mommy day, I also got to use some pent up energy to have an impact on the house. I cleaned up the cancer room and our bedroom, reorganized my half of the closet and the linens in the armoire, and I washed and put away 9 loads of laundry. It was a very productive and fun day.

Turns out I’m sometimes really good with the lulls in my life after all.

I woke up a good three hours before anyone else in the house this morning. And I actually got a good night’s sleep, too; they all just slept in.

During those three hours to myself, I got to do some reading, think about my cancer and listen to some great music. And I realized that as I’m heading into this somewhat daunting week, the emotion I am most feeling right now is thankful.

I am incredibly thankful for my amazing children, for a husband who is working hard to support me through the roller coaster of this stupid illness, and for having my mom and sister close by and knowing they will be by my side in an instant should I ever need either of them for anything at any time of day. I’m also thankful for my dad who, although he is 1500 miles away, can always help me put my stress into perspective with a quick phone call and who reminds me that so much of this stuff is crap and not worth wasting my energy worrying about it.

I am thankful that my niece is healthy despite her premature entry to the world – and I’m thankful that she came early so she was already stable and home by the time I got my diagnosis. I am thankful I was able to support my sister and her family through the rough first weeks of Jillian’s life and that things have settled down for them a bit and I know I can count on their support now. I am thankful that my kids get to grow up close to their cousins. Watching the 2 yr olds play and have conversations with each other is incredibly entertaining.

I am thankful for a great job with really good health insurance. I am thankful for coworkers and supervisors who are supportive and helpful through this illness and who make sure I have the flexibility to work from home when needed and who have let me know my work and projects are covered any time I need to be out for doctor’s appointments, treatments or healing.

And I am hugely thankful for my friends. I have been blessed with an incredible support network and this last six weeks has really shown me how many amazing people I have in my life. I am thankful for my TMS cyber-mommy friends who have made sure I am always surrounded by their love and support. I am thankful for my tireless VL friends – I know a single day hasn’t passed in the last 6.5 weeks when at least one of you hasn’t contacted me, checked in, visited, called, or texted just to say you’re thinking of me and to ask if there’s anything you can do to help me more. You are truly wonderful people.

I am thankful for the high school, college and grad school friends who have gotten in touch after years of little contact just to let me know I’m in their thoughts or prayers, and I am thankful that so many people have added my name to their shirts in various Race 4 the Cure events, Relay for Life events or other fundraisers for cancer awareness and research. I am always honored to know you are thinking of me and wishing me well on this journey.

And as odd as it may sound, I am thankful that this disease has given me an excuse to spend time catching up with a few people who have always made my life more stable with just a phone call – Ray, Rachael, Steph, Allie, Chris – thank you to each of you for the hours on the phone just being normal, being my friend, not judging me, not lecturing me, always loving me no matter what, and for making me laugh until I hurt. You may all live very far away from me, but know you are never far from my thoughts and are always in my heart.

I am thankful for the strong and positive women I have met who have been down this road before me. I am sorry we have all had to experience this journey, but I know my travels down this road have been made easier with your support, advice, recommendations for care providers, and just seeing how normal life can and will be afterwards. I very much appreciate all the trinkets and totems you have shared from your own breast cancer experience and I really hope I never have a need to pass them on to anyone else I love. Laura, Robin, Deborah, Tammy – you have all shared so much with me and I appreciate your strength and openness.

I am thankful to have two very thoughtful and open female doctors on my cancer team. Dr. Jennifer O'Neill and Dr. Robin Obenchain have both been amazingly warm, comforting, informative and approachable throughout this whole experience so far. They both start and end every visit with hugs for everyone in the room. I don't consider myself all that huggy of a person most of the time, but the obvious compassion and concern that these two doctors have for their patients is very appreciated. Everyone warned me that cancer doctors tend to be cold and distant, to forget that there is a person around the cancer rather than just seeing the cancer itself - my breast surgeon and oncologist are two of the warmest, friendliest and most competent doctors I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I am thankful to have them as partners on my healing team.

I am thankful for good music – this journal entry is brought to you by Mothersbaugh’s Canon by Mark Mothersbaugh (my close-your-eyes-and-just-breathe song since grad school), Glitter in the Air by P!nk, and pretty much anything by Jack Johnson. I am thankful for dancing and laughing until I hurt.

I am thankful for having learned how much I love running before I got sidelined by cancer. I am really looking forward to getting back to it and I hope to run through many more sunrises soon.

I am thankful for sunflowers, butterflies, hedgehogs, watermelons, dancing women, duckface and remote controls – all of which make my cancer-be-gone sanctuary a calm, healing space. I am thankful to have the space to curl up and rest when I need to, even if I don’t use it as much as some of you think I should.

And finally, I am thankful for all of the comments you all have left me here and on facebook. I know so much of what I write is just blathering, navel gazing, getting junk out of my head – but it means a lot to know there are people who care about me enough to read it and let me know you are here to support me.

I hope you all know how much you mean to me. I am thankful that I have today to try to let you know what an impact you have made in my life. I hope we all have many more healthy days to share with each other.

<3

-B-

I Am SO Loved.

I know I already updated with the outcomes of the medical adventures with the oncologist today, but I have to make a separate entry to mention the most amazing and wonderful and unexpected part of my day.

I cried and cried and sobbed and laughed and sobbed some more today because of the love of so many of you. I have been a part of an online mommy chat group over the past 5 years. I have had the luck to meet a handful of these women in that time, but most of us have been only cyber-friends - sharing advice, lending an ear, talking about raising the kids, feeding issues, pooping issues, marriage issues, and laughing and being silly and making amazing friendships.

I knew several of them were conspiring to send me something for my healing room and I had been told it would arrive today. When a poster tube showed up, I figured they had gotten together to create a poster of support.

I unrolled a heavy stack of photos and paper and realized they sent more than one - as I slowly unrolled the first poster, I saw that from across the country, they had all taken the words from "Lean on Me" and contributed photos of themselves with the words to the song in different silly ways.

Sometime in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow... and each couple of words was a photo of a different friend with a sign or a painting or a drawing or a chalkboard or a magnadoodle or with lipstick on a mirror or writing on a cheek or hand... and a huge grin or kiss or silly face to make me feel better. I was sobbing before I read the first line of the song.

I was overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and planning this poster required... then I realized there was another one underneath, and another, and another, and another. All told, about 60 women - most of whom I've never actually met in real life - they are my "imaginary mommy friends" - worked together to create 5 incredible posters that had me both laughing and crying so hard that if I still had boobs, they would have fallen off.

I am a Gleek, so there's a poster of everyone doing the Glee "L" on their foreheads with a giant Don't Stop Believing in the middle - and pictures of the Glee cast are interspersed in with my dear, hilarious friends.

There is a ridonkulous poster (a word they all know I hate and they use especially to make me laugh) with each of them doing duckface - I cannot stop laughing at these photos and am awed at the love that went into making them. (If you don't know what duckface is, check out antiduckface.com Really.) Because I'm also a Twilight fan (I draw the line at calling myself a Twi-hard, sorry.) they also included duckface pictures of Bella, Edward and Jacob. Again - laughing and crying at the genius here.

There is a poster of this amazing bunch of women looking in every direction Brady Bunch-style and sending me love and "healing dust" - and they even included a picture of me from my Bye Bye Bad Boobies party!

And then, for reasons I refuse to divulge or explain - the final poster is all of their kids carrying watermelons and fruit. They carried a watermelon for me. I have seen so many of these babies grow from black and white ultrasound photos into preschoolers and 1st graders. I have been able to share in their sleep patterns, eating habits, health scares and the silly, funny stories that make parenting so worthwhile.

There will never be words to describe how amazing this gift is from these women who love me so much despite the fact that most of them have never actually met me in person. I will never be able to thank my dear friend Stephanie who organized and put these projects together (while she was traveling for 2 weeks, too!) enough. I will be forever indebted to all those who created these ideas, who know me well enough to make me laugh until I cry and sometimes until I pee, and who took the time to take goofy pictures of themselves to show me how much love and support I have in this stupid, stupid battle.

I've always considered myself a fairly strong woman, but with friends like these (and this is just one group of friends! Don't forget the amazing VL friends that have been here in person throwing farewell parties for the bad girls, cooking meals, decorating my healing room, visiting me while I heal and giving me so, SO many hugs last night at the VL32 event!) I know I really can handle anything that comes my way.

Thank you all for bringing so much love into my world.

<3
-B-

Kidnap Request

I love you people who have offered to come kidnap me from my house arrest. Please do. I have a feeling my captors could be paid off with ice cream, cookies or even simple assurances of my safe return. And if not, I know a few secrets to break out of this joint. ;) It is still my house, after all.
<3

-B-

Well, Would you Look at That?

One of my crafty things has been featured over at Ohana Mama. Kinda cool, huh?

I taught a summer school class to my online mommy group and Sarah of Ohana Mama decided it was worth reprinting on her blog to share with more mamas. I'm flattered. ;) Thanks, Sarah!

Using Fin's Full Name

We went out to dinner with friends this weekend and I found myself using Fin's full name twice while out in public. As you probably know, anything that requires the middle name coming out is probably not a good thing...

All day on Saturday we told Fin that if he used the potty all day with no accidents, stopped whining, didn't yell, and got his feet out of his sister's face (among other things) he could have some lemon cake after dinner at Joe's BBQ. He did a pretty good job, so we got the cake when we got the food. Turns out the temptation was a bit too great for the poor kid.

Joe's is a restaurant that is great for the kiddos because they have a huge (fenced-in) yard for them to run wild while still being mostly captive. So when Fin kept getting up from his seat to walk around the table, it was no big deal and very appropriate for the setting. However, I kept an eye on him and he would inch ever-closer to the tantalizing cake. I kept returning him to his seat and telling him he had to actually eat some food before he could have the cake.

But we were there with a fairly large group, kids were running all around, there were balloon animals being made and popped, and I looked up just as Fin was digging both hands into the cake and lifting it off the plate. Before I knew it, guess what came out of my mouth.

"Finian Xavier, put down that cake and eat some dinner! Two bites of corn is not dinner!"

I couldn't believe how much of a mom I sounded like in that moment. Little did I know what was to come...

Fin eventually sat down, ate some dinner, enjoyed a few bites of cake and then ate some more dinner - then it was time to play! He happily ran around with his friends and played in the dirt. Dave decided to take Fin's balloon monkey out to the car so it didn't get popped and I visited with my friends while we watched the kids play.

I suddenly realized I couldn't see Fin and peered around the yard looking for him. I could not believe the sight that met my eyes.

Pants at his ankles, penis out, peeing in the grass mere feet from other dining families and kids running and playing.

Yep - the whole name came out in shock, then I was completely speechless and laughing. Unfortunately, I was holding Greta at the time so I didn't have a free hand to help him pull his pants back up. Dave appeared a moment later and grabbed Greta, but all the while Fin was just confused and saying, "Daddy lets me pee in the grass at home!"

Niiiice.

Obviously, we didn't take any pictures of that special moment in the night, but I did get a few good shots that evening.


Fin and his friend Will doing what boys do in the dirt.

All the mamas. L to R: Meredith, me and Greta, Claire, Robyn and Jenn. And Greta kept reaching over and groping Claire while we were trying to take this picture. LOL. Yep, my kids were all about being socially acceptable that evening. *snort*

Fin and Greta wrestling. She's little, but she can hold her own against Fin already!



A sweet moment with Daddy.


We will be having a big talk about appropriate places to use the bathroom before we go to Joe's again.