Some Days Are Just Hard

So - three days post-op and today got hard. It wasn't a bad day, really - got great news from the doctor, but it was just somehow harder than it's been up until now.

Of course, I'm writing this as I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, but I figure that's all part of this roller coaster, huh?

My kids went back to school today. First day back for both of them and I had absolutely zero role in that. I couldn't even tell you what they wore, what was packed for their lunches or if anyone even took pictures. I just missed it entirely. Because of stupid cancer. I didn't get to drop them off or pick them up and by the time I saw them tonight at dinner and asked how school was and what they did, they just said they played. Which, granted, is what they say most days, but I felt like I was missing out.

Today was also my first post-op visit with Dr. Jacobsen, my plastic surgeon. He has a fancy schmancy office in the Biltmore area and his office is always so packed there are never enough seats. My appointment was at 11am and I usually take my pain meds and valium around 10, so I only took a half dose so I'd be awake enough to actually have a conversation with the man. I was fighting that half a valium the whole time I was in the waiting room.

We didn't get called back in to a room until after noon. The visit went well, he said everything looked exactly as it should, I'm healing even faster than average and already have my full range of motion back. He gave me an A+ for being 3 days out of surgery, so I was pretty glad about that. We go back in a week to have the drains removed.

After that we ventured out to lunch, which was nice. We spent a good part of the meal guessing women's bust sizes and I actually even went up to one of the employees before we left to ask her about her breasts. I figured it really was kind of a once in a lifetime conversation, so why the heck not? I explained that I was a few days post-mastectomy and contemplating my reconstruction surgery.

She was slender but not skinny and had a nice figure, so I was curious if she would tell me what size she was and if she was happy with her size, able to be active, etc. She very readily said she was a 34B thought they were great. She said she could still go braless when she wanted, but she could also dress them up and make them more noticeable, too.

Who knew having breast cancer was a license to just go talk to pretty women about their boobs? LOL

By the time we eventually made it home, we'd been out about 5 hours and I was quite sore from all the prodding and probing and moving about. I took a half a codeine, passed out and proceeded to have drug-induced nightmares for a while.

Really not fun.

So, I'm physically more sore than I've been in days, drained and having nightmares. I figured a shower might be a good idea.

...except for the fact that even the pressure of the water on my bruised chest was painful. I could wash my hair by myself, but rinsing it was a challenge. Dave was there to help hold the drains, but even just the logistics of trying to figure out how I could turn around or reach the soap or rinse off was frustrating. And painful. And stupid.

I know I'm not the best person at asking for help. And I know I'm not always that good at accepting the help even when it's offered. I am working on these things and cancer is MAKING me work on these things. But when it hurts to brush my hair, I don't want to ask for help, I just get pissed off. Because why the hell can't I raise my arms long enough to brush my hair????

And when I'm brushing my hair and say out loud, "Crap this hurts," why isn't that enough for anyone to realize I could actually use some help even if I'm not smart enough to ask for it on my own?

I really have not been putting on any sort of facade about my reaction to cancer. I have laughed way, way more than anything else in the last few weeks. I have felt great since Friday - sore and tired, of course, but mentally and emotionally I've been really good. But today was hard and I felt like I'm not allowed to admit that because it's too much for everyone else for me to be having a hard day.

I have been apologizing to everyone for weeks for getting cancer. I know it doesn't fit into anyone's plans for the next few months. But today I was actually told that even though my cancer is really inconvenient for everyone, no one blames me for it.

I guess that's supposed to make me feel better?

My body and mind need rest now. I will be more chipper about this again tomorrow.
-B-