Where Did That Shiv Come From???

So I'm in bed this morning, as I so often am these days, but it's about 4:45am so I expect most of you were in bed at that time, too... and I'd just woken up from a very lovely dream about puppies frolicking on the beach under rainbows (not really, but I ain't telling what the dream really was, just trust me when I say it was a good one) and I was relaxed and happy and looking forward to getting up to take a walk again and greet another gorgeous sunrise.

I did my usual mental checklist for aches and pains from sleeping in essentially the exact same position for over a week now (turns out you can't really roll over in your sleep when you have drainage tubes on both sides. Ick.), took a deep breath to start my day...

And immediately felt like someone had stabbed a shiv in my ribs. Fuck. There was an involuntary cry of pain and the desire to NEVER BREATHE AGAIN. But of course that's not an option, so I slowly released the breath I was holding, took a couple of nice slow shallow breaths and felt fine. Decided to try another deep breath and hoped there was just an odd twinge.

WRONG. Once again, extreme shooting pain and a yelp of surprise. How could breathing possibly hurt this damn much? I hadn't even stretched or sat up yet or anything.

At this point, I realized I probably needed to use the bell. For those of you who are unfamiliar with my medical history, there have been times in the past few years when I have been bed-bound. First with a horrible c-section recovery and caring for a preemie Fin, then again when I was on bedrest for two months while pregnant with Greta. Yeah, I'm a pro at laying in bed all day...

Anyway, with this much bedrest, you quickly learn that there will be times you need or want things and no one is in easy earshot - especially when the baby has just fallen asleep and you don't really want to yell and wake him up - or as in mornings like today when you simply do not have the physical breath to call out beyond just yelping in pain.

So my genius mother realized years ago that a doorbell works great for these situations. You can plug in a receiver or two throughout the house, keep the button by the side of the bed and beckon loved ones as needed. Lately the kids have taken great joy in ringing the bell as often as possible to see how quickly daddy will come running, but I've never really had to use it for myself, and especially not when I knew everyone else was asleep. Somehow I didn't think it was the nicest way to wake someone up.

So I gritted my teeth one more time, covered my mouth in case I yelled again and tried to breathe. Nope - still not happening. Damn.
And of course I was then worried that something bad actually had happened, like the drainage tube had somehow come loose in my sleep. So I mustered my courage to check and was relieved to see and feel that everything is apparently still connected as it should be, the drainage is still quite clear and healing as expected.

My mom was sleeping in the living room just a few feet away, so I tried to just call out so I wouldn't have to wake Dave on the other side of the house and risk waking the babies up before 5 am, but again - calling out requires breathing and I wasn't really up for trying that again so soon.

So after about ten minutes of being awake in pain and exhausting every other option I could think of, I caved and rang the damn bell. Stupid cancer.

Mom and Dave were both immediately by my bedside asking if I was okay and by this point, all I could do was breathe very shallowly, cover my face and shake my head no. Because I wasn't and it was horrible.

I was able to explain that breathing made me feel like I was splitting open and I didn't really know how to fix that feeling. But of course I'm stubborn and strong and no way is fear of extreme pain going to keep me from BREATHING, so I just prepared myself and tried to see what I could do.

Raise shoulders? Check. Arch back a little to stretch ribs? Okay, slight pain, but not shooting, stabbing pain. Stretch right leg out and raise it a bit? Check. Extend left leg and start to raise it? NOPE!

What the fuck is cancer doing keeping me from breathing or moving anything on my left side??? So - again being stubborn and refusing to do nothing but stay in bed fearing pain today - I decided I was just going to sit up and get it over with. If I actually split open like it felt like I was going to, at least my mom and husband were there to get me to the hospital FAST, right?

So I took as deep a breath as I dared, steeled myself for the stab of pain and sat up. And sighed a giant sigh of relief. It still hurt and I'm definitely sore from something in there getting pinched or tweaked or whatever the hell it is that happens to one's ribs cage and muscles when people have been digging around in there so much in the past week, but I could sit up and breathe.

And it's sad to think of that as an accomplishment at 5am, but today it really was.

Dave asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room to get checked out, but I figured there was nothing really to tell them. "Hi. I had cancer and just had surgery and it hurt to breathe for a while today, but I'm okay now." That would be an expensive conversation for my health insurance company and besides, I already have Codeine and Valium at my fingertips.

So I decided to go for my walk as planned and just see how the rest of the day pans out. It was a lovely mile and a gorgeous sunrise and I can see the radio towers on South Mountain, which always makes me happy, too.

I did get quite a lecture from my private nurse-in-training Richie last night about cutting back on my pain meds too soon, so I suppose I'm back to taking full doses of Valium again today and using the Codeine before my pain level crosses above a 3-4 on the 0-10 pain scale. Which apparently means I'm likely to be asleep again a bit more. I was enjoying being awake and having company lately, but apparently I'm really bad at recognizing when my body is actually in pain and NEEDS to rest.

Eeesh. Why is it so hard to just nap when I finally have an incredibly valid reason to do so?

So that seems to be the plan for the next couple of days. I see the plastic surgeon tomorrow to get the drains removed (yay!) and that should hopefully give me some more sleeping options. I see the breast surgeon on Tuesday to learn more about the pathology reports and how the cancer removal went, and I see the oncologist on Thursday to discuss ongoing treatment plans. And then we get the rest of this show on the road. In the meantime, I take more naps and try to work from home a bit so I don't go too stir crazy.

We have great wifi and I know several of you guys can work from home or are self-employed, so if anyone wants to come hang out for a few hours in the next week and work at Cafe Benah to keep me company, I have a really cool bell I can ring to see if someone will bring us snacks. ;) Or maybe I'll even just ask you for help when I need it. I'm working on that part...

I have a bit more about cancer on my brain today and hopefully I'll get a chance to get back online to process it more later, but for now the kiddos are waking up, my dad is in town for a few more hours and the Valium hasn't kicked in enough yet to force my morning nap, so I'm going to go spend some time with my family while I'm awake enough to remember doing it. :)

And a deep breath just made my left side hurt like hell again. Argh. Cancer is stupid. Bah.

<3
-B-