Well, That's a Different Kind of Letdown

Before I start blathering about today's cancer nonsense, I owe an apology to my mother and husband for implying that they were my captors in this house arrest. They are here because they love me, care about me, want my house to be clean and don't want me to slip in the shower or fall over anything while I'm on drugs that make me sleepy and dizzy. Because we all know I can do plenty of self-injury simply walking from room to room without anything additional in my system...

The true captors here are, of course, cancer and crazy drugs. But they don't really let me take a break from the house arrest in exchange for sweets, so it was much easier to consider bribing captors who were human in exchange for some freedom. That and I figured my family might like some cookies or ice cream or something. :)

But I worry feelings were hurt in my recent vents and that was not my intention, so please, do not assume I'm being held captive against my will. I mean, I AM, but it's part of the surgery recovery, not any maliciousness on the part of family members who care about me too much.

Okay, now all that being said - let's talk phantom amputee pain! I swear this is bizarre. I know as my nerve endings start to reconnect and wake up, I'll be feeling pain in more places. This is normal post-surgery, of course.

I've had a few surprise places that were numb suddenly start to hurt. For example, the back of my armpits... didn't realize I couldn't feel them until one day it suddenly felt like I had a band-aid in my armpit that was falling off. Strange. Now I have feeling in my armpits again and they're just kind of sore like I've done waaaay too many push-ups.

My mid back and sides are sore like I've over done a good lat pull-down series and my chest... well, it's a combination of too many push-ups and kind of like I've been trying to breathe with a 10lb weight on my lungs. But mostly, I assume all of this is fairly normal post-surgery recovery. My pain level has rarely risen above a 3 on a scale of 1-10 and a half a codeine once a day or so has kept me in fairly reasonable spirits. (Or mostly asleep, depending on who you ask...)

The weirdest part, though is the phantom boob pain. In the past couple of days I have had moments where I would swear my nipples were standing up... but then I don't have nipples any more. When talking with the plastic surgeon the first day, I referred to having "Barbie boobies" - his eyes lit up when he asked if I wanted Barbie's dimensions and I had to explain that of course I didn't want to look like that - I think only a man could even think that was my point - but instead she doesn't and never has had nipples. Barbie boobies are smooth and nipple-free.

I could go off on a nice long feminist rant about what that tells generations of kids about the purpose of breasts, but I'll leave that for another day...

But aside from the phantom nipple reactions, I realized last night there's another pain I've been feeling and it's one I know many of my dear friends will recognize and understand.

When a woman has a newborn baby and her milk comes in the first few times, there is often a bit of a painful pins-and-needles sensation while the newborn learns to latch and get the full milk letdown to happen. But then there is the comfort and release of oxytocin and all is right with the world as the mom and infant bond.

In the past day or two, I have felt like I'm having a milk letdown a couple of times. And instinctively, a woman experienced with breast feeding will cross her arms or press the heels of her hands into her breasts to stop leakage if there is no nursing baby nearby to benefit from the nourishment. Yet when I have this instinctive reaction, I realize I am only pressing the damn compression vest into my scars and there are no nipples to be leaking milk. Because it was the damn milk ducts that grew the cancer that lead to the removal of the breasts anyway.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly, perhaps she'll get new boobs that still have no feeling in the nipples but at least look pretty in exchange for having phantom lactation letdowns with no newborns around.

And the weirdest part? I'm most likely to get the letdown feeling when one of my kids is sad or upset... just like when they were babies and my body knew the best way to comfort them was with my milk and cuddling.

My brain knows what it should feel like to provide comfort to a crying baby. My body hasn't done it in years and never will again - not in that way, of course - but the connection is still there. Which is somewhat cool and somewhat really, really bizarre.

I know amputees occasionally have phantom pains when limbs are lost, but I wonder if there's ever such an obvious mental and emotional connection or if it's more of just a random itch on an elbow that doesn't exist...

Time to tie on my happy shoes and take a walk. Hoping the drainage tubes will be out in a few days and I'll be cleared for a little more distance soon even if I can't get back to running yet...

And my dad is coming to visit today! Just to make sure I'm doing okay. :) I'm sure I can find some project around the house to help him feel like he's taking care of me, too.

Feeling very blessed and loved, even if I'm not leaking milk these days...
<3
-B-