Tick, Tick, BOOM.

I'm tired and sore today and have taken a full dose of Valium instead of the half doses I've been taking the last few days, so this post is going to be a bit more navel-gazing than I usually allow myself to indulge in. Sorry about that. But I figure if you're reading this, you probably care enough to not mind when I get a little morbid. It is cancer, after all...

I was diagnosed with breast cancer one month ago today. I have honestly never had a single second when I thought there was even a chance this breast cancer might kill me. I have told all my friends and loved ones about the diagnosis and seen many people immediately fight back tears and others continue to tear up every time they see me, even weeks after knowing about my illness. (And it still feels ridiculous to call it an illness because I've never actually felt sick during all of this. I hurt and am in pain from surgery, but it doesn't feel like an illness. Or maybe I'm just weird...)

Dave and I had several conversations in the days after my diagnosis that ended with him crying and telling me not to die and me just wondering why in the hell everyone was acting like this cancer crap is such a big deal. I mean, I know it's CANCER and people do die from it, but I have breast cancer - the one that so incredibly much is known about, the one that millions of women survive every year, the one that can be treated by removing a couple of body parts and pouring poison in me. Breast cancer is not going to be what kills me and I have never worried that it would. I've laughed about it in the last month because it's "just cancer" - it's just an inconvenience in my life, just something that will slow me down for a bit while I fight it out of me and then go on with my life.

And I've had many friends - even the ones who know to avoid giving me "sad eyes" - make comments about the journey I'm on and how this is a big thing I'm doing and how my life will be forever changed.

And I always think to myself, "Why? I'm going to spend a few months getting rid of cancer then I'm going back to my life."

Except I guess I know that's not really true.

I have a very good friend whose daughter had cancer at the age of 4. She is healthy and happy and doing great now, but when he told me about that experience (both of us in tears) he mentioned that even though she is healthy now, he and his wife had to come to terms with the fact that they will most likely outlive their youngest daughter. Not because of the cancer she has already beaten, but because once the body gets something like cancer, well... it's more likely to get another kind again some day. And be less strong to fight it again. Or less likely to catch it as soon. Or or or....

And yesterday I was straightening up my healing room and came across some pamphlets that a friend had brought over from the Komen foundation. I've seen and skimmed them in the last few weeks, but they mostly cover things like dealing with physical changes (my mastectomy looks cool and I'll show it to anyone who asks, and I'm going to be a hot bald chick if I have to do chemo), alternative therapies that can supplement medical care (I have an acupuncturist and will be getting massages again as soon as I'm less sore from surgery and a nutritionist friend who can't wait to give me cancer-fighting recipes), and generally things like surviving life after cancer. And of course when I come across headings or pamphlets or chapters in books with titles about life after cancer, I usually roll my eyes and think, "Of course there's life after cancer, it's just put on hold for a few months."

But last night I flipped through this section. And I remembered the conversation with my friend whose daughter is a healthy, happy 6 year old now. And I read quotes about how cancer survivors have to worry that every pain, every ache could be the stupid fucking cancer's return. And wonder if it's in our bones this time. Or our blood. Or our ovaries. Or any other part that's much harder to find and diagnose and treat than the stupid little boobs I just had cut off me.

And then I think I'm thirty-fucking-five. Breast cancer isn't going to kill me. But now that my body has let this damn thing in me to grow, there's a bigger chance than some other kind of cancer WILL. And I fucking hate that.

I don't get to go back to my life as normal. I don't get to just get rid of this stupid cancer and go back to being mommy, wife, friend, lover, superwoman. I have to always be careful to not get cuts on my left arm because I'm missing lymph nodes there. I can never have a blood pressure cuff on that side. I have to worry if muscle aches and pains might be more than just aches and pains. I have to wonder if my bruising like a peach is a sign of blood disorders or just the usual sign of my clumsiness.

I have to always wonder when it's going to come back. And if it's going to be before or after I get to see my kids graduate from high school or college, before or after they get married and I dance at their weddings, before or after I hold my sweet grandbabies and tell them their parents are the most amazing people in my world.

I'm 35 and already had breast cancer. It's not going to kill me, but it sure does increase my chances that some other part of my body is going to do the job instead.

I know none of us ever know when it's going to be our time to go and I know all of this is in God's hands. I know I am surrounded by love, prayer, support and more love. I know my body is strong and healthy (well, aside from the cancer part) and can fight a lot right now. I know I pay attention to what I put in me and what's around me and limit my exposure to as much bad stuff as is reasonably possible.

But I also know that didn't make a damn bit of difference this time around. It's a damn good thing I got incredible life insurance a few years back. I certainly hope my kids don't get to collect on it in the next 18 years, but I also know it will be incredibly expensive to ever get another life insurance policy once you have cancer at 35. Because from here on out, I'm kind of just a time bomb.

Boom.

<3
-B-